I know instinctively that all parents have had that moment when you look at your child/children and are shocked at how insanely HUGE they suddenly are. Most of the time you actually say it out loud with an affronted tone to your voice: "WHEN did you get to be so BIG???". The child then looks back at you with an innocent and concerned expression that basically calls you an old crazy person without saying a word. Children of every age are particularly skilled in this area. I believe it's something they are born with.
I think that it's even more shocking to a parent's psyche when you realize that not only are the children growing physically, but emotionally as well. When you look for your five year old and realize that he is hiding in his room listening to and singing along to Deftones (with Maynard), your jaw drops and your mind actually boggles a bit. I say this with hard won experience because Jack has sent me spinning this week. He's hit this emotional developmental milestone that is the equivalent of an angst ridden pre-teen, while still being obsessed with a five year old little boy's topics. He steals the scotch tape to cordon off the doorways to the office so that he can play "Crime Scene". He makes a family out of Legos whom he wants to spend the quality time with each day, rather than his real family. He emits deep sighs when asked to do his chores, when just last week he was running and jumping at the opportunity to help Mommy. He's convinced that he's a vampire and that his real vampire parents are desperate to find him. I'm not sure at which moment he left a very large chunk of his baby-hood behind, but sometime in the last few days he's had a growth spurt that's pushed him farther into the realm of boy and (gasp) eventually man.
I can't help but be amazed at how fast he's growing and it seems as though time has sped up to lightning speed since having children. Before I had kids I was completely blase about the subject of time. I'd say things like "time flies" without really understanding that it actually DOES. Now when I think of the time when Jack was a tiny baby, my arms are confused at the large boy that I am holding and my eyes search his face for some tell-tale sign of that cherub-like infant.
At the same time that I am mourning the loss of my baby, I am thrilled at his development. The discoveries being made everyday by my son are leading me to some discoveries of my own. I want him to learn and grow and become independent, just as I want to hold him tight awhile longer. However, the more he achieves the easier it is for me to let him go because I'm having the time of my life watching him become his own person. I get excited with him when he figures things out for himself and there is nothing that makes me prouder than when he tries to do something that has stumped him 100 times before. The sheer guts a five year old has to pick himself up every time he fails, just to try again, is inspiring. And when he finally succeeds... victory is incredibly sweet for us all. Yesterday he snapped his own pants for the first time and I'm not sure who smiled bigger - him, Daddy or me. At night when I can't sleep, I try to envision the man he will someday be and I am thrilled that I get to know that person. I can't wait to meet my son in 20 years, I know he will be amazing because he already is. I can see him so clearly... he will be a delightfully funny and brilliantly accomplished vampire CSI with a degree in architecture and who sings in a band on the weekends. And I will probably still be wondering how he got to be so big.
On the other hand, I am greatly relieved that he is still young enough to be suddenly reduced to tears at the thought of Lego Henry spending the night outside in the dirt. Watching him stand at the kitchen window with worry in his giant brown eyes as Daddy searches the backyard with a flashlight warms my wretched and selfish soul. He's still my little guy for a while longer.
