Drunk Driving

One of the things I really dislike about being pregnant is the morning sickness.  I find that if I always have something in my stomach, things seems to go easier on me, and that's resulted in the weight gain of 7 pounds so far.  This is not a good thing.  How can I be gaining so rapidly while I'm throwing up so regularly?  It's another side effect that just doesn't seem fair.

Last night I waited entirely too long to eat because Jordan was working late and I wanted to eat with him.  Silly me.  This is survival of the chubbiest and I'm here to win.  So, when things started getting dicey in the digestion area and I knew I couldn't cook anything at this point, I loaded the kids in the car and we made a mad dash to Carl's Jr.  I knew I was in trouble however, after I rolled up the window while driving away with our food.  The smell was overwhelming and I didn't have much warning- just enough to pull over, unlatch my seat belt and open the car door before I lost all dignity on the side of the road.  Almost immediately I was awash in the strobing red and blue lights of one of Douglas' finest and my first thought (right behind "Oh my good hell") was that he most likely assumed I was drunk.  Just then I hear him ask in a disgusted and exasperated voice "everything alright, ma'am?" and I knew I was right.  Mitch chooses this moment to yell "Daddy!" (because his dad turns on the over head lights when he shows the boys his work truck), and I hear the cop heave a 'why me' sigh at the knowledge that not only have I been drunk driving, but I have small children in the car with me.  If I had had any extra sympathy in me right then I'd have felt sorry for him, but unfortunately for him everything I had was all over the pavement.  I was still occupied, and couldn't even raise my head to look at him so I waved as cheerfully and reassuringly as I possibly could in his general direction and between heaves I called out "Morning sickness!" heave- couch-cough "I'm alright!"  groan- cough groan "So embarrassing!"  heave-cough-sniffle "I'm sorry!".  I tried to gesture to the bags of food next to me and told him the smell sent me over the edge.  Meanwhile the kids are in the back seat laughing like they HAD been drinking.  I imagined that it was going to take all night to sort out the situation but when I finally raised my head to look at the poor man through bleary eyes, I saw that he was actually more uncomfortable than I was.  He asked me if I wanted him to call someone to come help me, and as I shook my head I was hit with another wave so I was unable to continue the conversation.  He quickly mumbled something reassuring (I think I also heard a "congratulations" but I can't be certain) and backed away to the safety of his cruiser.   That was it- no breathalizer, heel-toe walking or counting backwards tests.  I was incredibly relieved, but also a little let down.  I guess I really have the whole motherhood persona down pat, if against all evidence it's hard to believe I'm anything other than a woman having morning sickness on the side of the road at 7pm.   I'm not sure if I should be offended or not.

Brad Pitt is my spirit guide.

Pregnancies have a lot of symptoms, some of them you hear about all the time; morning sickness, fatigue, weight gain just to name a few.  There are however, a few side effects that are not as frequently talked about.  One of those is crazy-messed up dreams and it affects me deeply.  If I say the words: "I had a dream last night" to my husband, he automatically groans because he knows it will tax his mental faculties just to follow along in the retelling.  Now through the power of internet, you get to experience it right along with him.  Enjoy.

Last night I found out that my husband was sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night to have an affair with some random floozie down the street.  When I found out about it I was a puddle of misery, lying on the floor sobbing in despair.  The worthless swine, right?  Just as I was starting to think of ways to kill him slowly, Brad Pitt appeared to me and gently raised me from the floor.  He enfolded me in his understanding arms and held me while I finished crying, which didn't take long because I'm not sure if you were paying attention, but I sure was.  BRAD PITT was comforting me.  Even in my dream I knew this was a little bit strange.  So as I sniffled my last sniffle, he wiped my tears, kissed my forehead and stared deeply into my eyes.  He told me "everything is going to be alright".  Oh.  Okay.  If you say so.  I mean, Brad Pitt doesn't lie.  So I forgave Jordan and we all three happily went to the Louisiana bayou to go on an alligator hunt.  We were practically skipping in euphoria.  Nothing deals with a philandering husband quite like looking for gator.  Sigh.  I know.  It gets better/worse.

We were in this rickety boat, in the dark, in the swamp...  I cannot imagine a worse experience for me in reality, but in my dream we were having the time of our lives.  It was something we were planning on doing again and again for the rest of our lives.  Brad Pitt loved it more than anyone, as he was grinning from ear to ear.  And before you ask; yes, I'm aware that I keep calling him by both names.  I was unable to call him by just his first name, and Mr. Pitt seemed too formal for all that we had been through.  He didn't seem to care either way, thus he got last named.
Jordan couldn't see Brad Pitt, but he knew he was there.  Some things you just have to accept on faith, like Santa Claus and the Smurfs, and this was definitely one of those times.  Every once in awhile we would come to an intersection of sorts in the pathways of the swamp and Jordan would turn to me to ask if we should "try this one".  I would then turn to Brad Pitt, who was like an infinitely hotter Jiminy Cricket by this time, and raise my brow in question.  He would give me a small but decisive nod and I would tell Jordan that "Brad Pitt says it's okay."  My undoubting husband would then reply "Well if it's good enough for Brad Pitt, it's good enough for me." And off we'd go.  This went on for what seemed like hours.

When I woke up I had to make a serious effort to try to wrap my mind around the concept of the dream.  I lay awake pondering the hidden meanings and symbols etc., but I finally came up with this:  Brad Pitt came to me when I needed him most, he was sympathetic, caring and a true friend.  He helped me through the grieving and forgiveness stages of betrayal, then stayed with me until my confidence was back.  Everyone needs Brad Pitt in their lives.  He is all around us, and if we just open our hearts and accept him, I think that world peace would be possible.

 Or maybe I'm just dangerously low in iron and vitamin D.  I'll eat a few cheeseburgers while I think about it some more.  Brad Pitt says it's okay.

Power Rock

I inadvertently put the world at risk of nameless horrors today when I threw away Jack's power rock.  I bet you didn't even realize the danger you were in for about 7 minutes around 10:15 this morning, did you?  I didn't either until Jack set me straight.  It's such a normal looking thing that I had no idea the fate of billions rested on this one little rock that had found it's way under my foot all morning.  After the 4th or 5th time of stepping on it, I carried it to the front door and tossed it off the porch.  I actually felt the earth tilt a tiny bit as the universe's power was altered, but I dismissed it as my own stumbling feet.  I should have known better because not 2 minutes later there was a gasp, some panicked breathing and then an agonized wail as Jack realized his precious was gone.  At this time I still hadn't realized my mistake, and I asked him what was wrong.  He was so upset that he just couldn't get words out at first, but in between sobs and hiccups I was able to understand one question: "where my power rock at?"  Oh no.  It's a power rock?  I thought it was just a regular rock.  You can see how easy it is to confuse the two when the power is disguised as an every day, run of the mill rock.  It could've happened to anyone, right?  Apparently not, judging by the look Jack gave me when I explained what had happened.  He was equal parts baffled, annoyed, scared and disgusted with me.  So, shamefacedly I put my shoes on and combed the general direction in which I had thrown the rock of power. ( Note: if you ever throw away a random object that has been in the house for an unknown reason- watch to see where it lands.  Just in case.  It could be a power object.)  After holding up 4 potential candidates for Jack's frantic inspection, the correct rock was finally found and returned to it's bearer.  All was forgiven (I received a grateful and relieved "Hank you, Mommy." and a hug) and the world was safe again for everyone.  You're welcome.

Rules of Engagement.

As parents of growing and active boys we are constantly having to reevaluate the household rules to make it a safe and wholesome environment for everyone.  Most of the time the rules are for the boys, but occasionally we add a rule that applies to the adults.  The last couple of weeks must have been milestones in the children's development because we've had to add quite a few.  Here are some of the newest rules in our house, you get to decide who they were created for.

1. Do not drink your own bath water.
2. Do not put plastic fish into the fish tank with the real fish.  It freaks Stewart out when he suddenly has a killer whale as a tank mate.
3. Do not pick your nose.
4. Do not pick your brother's nose.
5. Do NOT drink your bath water.
6. Do not give Mitch anymore apples.
7. Flush the toilet only after you go potty, not before.
8. Do not eat out of the trash can.
9. Do not put Mitch down for a nap without closing the bathroom door first.  And if you forget to close the door, you are in charge of unclogging the toilet.
10. DO NOT DRINK YOUR OWN BATH WATER!
11. Do not leave the apples down low enough that Mitch can reach them.
12. Do not sit on your brother's head.
13. Do not touch the Christmas tree.  Good will towards men does not extend to little boys who use ornaments as bouncy balls.
14. Do not lick me.  Ever.
15. If you see bits of chewed up apple lying around the house, pick them up and find the uneaten portion before it rots and stinks.
16. Most importantly, under penalty of death- do NOT drink your bath water.

I'm not sure why the bath water is suddenly so irresistible, it's not like they are dehydrated.  Maybe it's the new soap that has made it into the flavor of the week, but we can't keep the boys heads from dipping down to take that surreptitious slurp every now and again.  We all know that Jordan's got a quick gag reflex, but this one gets me too.  Totally disgusting.