Pregnancies have a lot of symptoms, some of them you hear about all the time; morning sickness, fatigue, weight gain just to name a few. There are however, a few side effects that are not as frequently talked about. One of those is crazy-messed up dreams and it affects me deeply. If I say the words: "I had a dream last night" to my husband, he automatically groans because he knows it will tax his mental faculties just to follow along in the retelling. Now through the power of internet, you get to experience it right along with him. Enjoy.
Last night I found out that my husband was sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night to have an affair with some random floozie down the street. When I found out about it I was a puddle of misery, lying on the floor sobbing in despair. The worthless swine, right? Just as I was starting to think of ways to kill him slowly, Brad Pitt appeared to me and gently raised me from the floor. He enfolded me in his understanding arms and held me while I finished crying, which didn't take long because I'm not sure if you were paying attention, but I sure was. BRAD PITT was comforting me. Even in my dream I knew this was a little bit strange. So as I sniffled my last sniffle, he wiped my tears, kissed my forehead and stared deeply into my eyes. He told me "everything is going to be alright". Oh. Okay. If you say so. I mean, Brad Pitt doesn't lie. So I forgave Jordan and we all three happily went to the Louisiana bayou to go on an alligator hunt. We were practically skipping in euphoria. Nothing deals with a philandering husband quite like looking for gator. Sigh. I know. It gets better/worse.
We were in this rickety boat, in the dark, in the swamp... I cannot imagine a worse experience for me in reality, but in my dream we were having the time of our lives. It was something we were planning on doing again and again for the rest of our lives. Brad Pitt loved it more than anyone, as he was grinning from ear to ear. And before you ask; yes, I'm aware that I keep calling him by both names. I was unable to call him by just his first name, and Mr. Pitt seemed too formal for all that we had been through. He didn't seem to care either way, thus he got last named.
Jordan couldn't see Brad Pitt, but he knew he was there. Some things you just have to accept on faith, like Santa Claus and the Smurfs, and this was definitely one of those times. Every once in awhile we would come to an intersection of sorts in the pathways of the swamp and Jordan would turn to me to ask if we should "try this one". I would then turn to Brad Pitt, who was like an infinitely hotter Jiminy Cricket by this time, and raise my brow in question. He would give me a small but decisive nod and I would tell Jordan that "Brad Pitt says it's okay." My undoubting husband would then reply "Well if it's good enough for Brad Pitt, it's good enough for me." And off we'd go. This went on for what seemed like hours.
When I woke up I had to make a serious effort to try to wrap my mind around the concept of the dream. I lay awake pondering the hidden meanings and symbols etc., but I finally came up with this: Brad Pitt came to me when I needed him most, he was sympathetic, caring and a true friend. He helped me through the grieving and forgiveness stages of betrayal, then stayed with me until my confidence was back. Everyone needs Brad Pitt in their lives. He is all around us, and if we just open our hearts and accept him, I think that world peace would be possible.
Or maybe I'm just dangerously low in iron and vitamin D. I'll eat a few cheeseburgers while I think about it some more. Brad Pitt says it's okay.
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